we begin, with a child who deems it necessary on Father's day to tell you that you have been a loser, of a father for the last 20 years, useless and worthless.
the child wishes no desire to create any effort to see you on Father's Day - one who lives 15 minutes away, and does not wish to waste her precious gas to see the only father that she will ever have. on the only day when it would be extra nice to share it with your children. well it seems not everyone is worth the price of gas.
how do you reconcile when you are told that she does not want to see you,
"haven't you have figured that out by now!"
when you have loved and supported your children forever and not just financial support but emotional, and loving support, when she called you at work every few days from an out of state college that she was miserable while attending, and you stopped everything to talk her off the roof, when you sensed that she was in danger and you go up there and move her out of a situation where you feared for her life. Things like that don't count because it's expected of you as a father to wish that your child be safe and happy at all times.
but what of the emotional strain placed on the father? oh that does not really count, because he has no feelings, he has no heart, he has no soul, he is just a father, no longer a human with feelings, or emotions. he must do things that are difficult all the time. he must always sacrifice for his children after all that is what a father does, he does back flips while balancing on the high wire.
this story starts with a beautiful blessing when you are graced with a new puppy a week after the loss of a beloved pet of 12 years and this puppy who is not quite a year old, arrives by complete surprise on saturday, and you have to re-adjust your plans for sunday, because how fair is it to leave a puppy whose first full day in your care would be spent in a crate for too many hours, or dragged out into a brutally hot day, because your child does not wish to waste her gas? to drive 15 minutes to see you on fathers day. but it is your obligation to go to her after all it is fathers day.
anyone with common sense and compassion would know the first full day with a puppy is needed to bond with the puppy to establish the ways of your home to love and show him that he is not going to be taken back to his foster family but is now in his forever home.
but not to a thankless child, the one you went to every event too, the one you took to ballet every week for years, the horse shows you attended, riding lessons the school concerts, all those times are quickly forgotten. over a tank of gas?
no the level of resentment is much deeper, than a tank of gas, so many impossible questions, the how come we can't live like our friends families? why do you live so far? why don't you stop everything and see us, we are the most important thing in your life? you are selfish and you place everything before us, we are the lowest on the totem pole of importance to you, now a "thing" is more important than us.
the puppy who is in my loving care is now a "thing" were their dogs are their babies. spoiled pampered, the sad thing is that if they approached you with the exact situation you would have cared enough to make amends for one day and suck up the cost of gas, knowing how important the first few days for a new pet can be, the difficulty of coming into a new domain, strange smells, noises, everything is new and scary. but when it does not benefit the child it is as if you made the conscious choice to NOT spend time with them, and they begin to attack, and a vicious and unnecessary attack it is.
delusions cast deep chasms and they become impossible to breach...where does one learn such hatred, to despise ones own flesh and blood? clearly it is not something one picks up from the mouths of strangers, but where? how close to your heart does this poison grow? a sense that nothing is ever enough, that pity me is the acceptable normal. a place where hate and greed are fed and watered daily with comments and subtle influences.
there comes a time in every person's life when they choose to leave the illusions of childhood behind, and they must accept that reality has consequences for its actions. not that they can say everything that they think and shrug it off like its not important or they do not care, false there is deep caring under the pain, and the poison, words truly spoken in verbal form or written form once said can never be taken back. to un-say hurtful awful things is not a reality, most adults know this since being an adult means you learn to keep 80% of what you are thinking deep in the recesses of your private thought process. does one at 20 understand this concept? in reality i would hope so but when a child has been fed lies and hate, what good are positive reflections that should be age appropriate. none, entitlement is the norm, excess the rule. suffer never, being inconvenienced is not a possibility,
it is the entire universe wrapped around one star.
some say its the age, one that will end when the child grows into true adulthood, others say it is the times of terrible parenting and excessive entitlement, and still others say sadly it the child itself, burdened with hatred and venom, enough to fell an elephant. deeply seated with no way out, therapy is the obvious course of action to seek the suppressed levels of resentment and bring them out into the open where dialogue can curb some of its sting. the one true benefactor is the child itself, learning to safely release levels of anger that should never be compressed in the first place. when you are the parent who has never done one thing right and the one whom all faults of the entire planet are the cause. no amount of time will erase the hurt you feel, being told that you don't matter, is like being told you never existed. every good thing is buried under the angst and hatred of the moment.
behave as an adult a 20 year old tells you after spitting poison in your face, simply accept that as an adult you have no feelings, as a parent you are not entitled to emotions, are you even human? when did becoming a parent dissolve our humanity?
some people say accept it and let it go, its scars that being a parent you must carry.
others say NO! stop it where it started, do not allow such behavior. my belief is in the latter, i will not be treated as if i do not exist, as if i deposited sperm and walked out of their lives, this is not true and i will not accept it as truth. if a 20 year old does not have the sense to curb her wicked tongue a lesson will be learned that you reap what you sow. that every human life even your own father deserves the respect that you would give a dog, to treat anyone with such disdain will have its recourse. why should a child that treats you as if you are an nonentity get any favors done for them? when you are struggling to keep your own head above water do you give up the life preserver and go down for the count? simply to make a 20 year olds life easier?
there are many who grew up in my generation who had to work for everything they possessed. nothing was given freely, we did not know entitlement, we knew respect and we respected our parents, as we respected all elders, with dignity. we understood the 4th commandment, to honor thy father and mother.
this was not some languid verse of poetry this was reality we did it because we knew that we had no other choice. sadly in our current world i see too many children who have never seen the list of g-ds commandments, who would not know one if it they were smacked in the head with one.
in returning to my faith my connection to my g-d i see where the younger generation can believe that not only does g-d exist, but that g-d loves them. each week at temple i see families who are brought together united under the love of g-d and the understanding that no matter what has befallen his chosen people throughout history they keep the faith alive. i see strangers who bless me and show g-ds gratitude, who are thankful for the very day they are experiencing. no matter what curses that have befallen them. they own faith and hope and believe that g-d is our father and that in the world we live in he deserves the respect that i do not receive as a father, from my own child.
after this lesson that was thrust upon her for being such an ungrateful, unpleasant person. maybe someday in the distant future she will look upon this experience not as an act of revenge or vengeance but as one that had to be done, without question or doubt and understand that life does not always make things easy for you. if you must fight the system, you must learn that the cost for your passion is just as real.
it is my hope that someday she will understand that to place respect where it is given is an honor and not an entitlement, that, there are children who are raised without one or both parents that would be grateful for the gifts of love and time and kindness she had received, often and with great love from the man she deems as worthless, useless, i will not apologize for the actions that i took to teach her this lesson, no matter who asks, begs cajoles, nor will i give back what i have removed. a thankless child does not deserve any gifts of kindness, given with love, but removed with love. she may hate me the rest of her life, and i will accept that, for what it is, someone not worthy of my love.
people will say many things about me and my actions and as i have said myself a million times do not judge until you have walked in someone's shoes.
some would say a loving father forgives all, and i would say a loving child would never intentionally and with malice ever hurt a loved father without cause.
and as for forgiveness that is between me and my g-d and not for any others to decide. so although i share this, knowing there are other men who are treated the same way, expected to give all but are told they deserve nothing in return!
tony scarpa
6/19/2018
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