i sat on curb and cried, my body wracked with pain
the loss was so immense that words failed, was it real?
how could this have happened, the glass the metal everywhere
sirens and lights
why? i asked out loud
we just had matching tattoos done, symbols of our love crossed arrows
2 weeks ago, laughed and we loved the sensation together, our oneness
and now she was gone, never again will i hear her laugh, see her smile
forever without hope, never again will i taste her sweet kisses, hold her tight
my samantha gone, my love, my soulmate, everything i wanted and desired
waited for, longed for, searched, sought, finally found, my beautiful love
the smell of her hair, the feel of her soft skin, the curve of her hip
that sent me over the edge, when i kissed her there samantha purred
why? i shouted dear god why did you take her from me?
they said the accident was just that, simply an accident
they said, samantha was on her way home, from work, just a day, average, ordinary
they said, the car came out of nowhere, threw her from the jeep
they said her organs collapsed on impact, she did not suffer, why do i suffer?
they said, her death was immediate, why is mine so slow and painful?
they said it was a blessing that she did not suffer, why then does my heart ache?
they said much that day
their words jumbled and incomprehensible
they continued to talk, words without meaning, thoughts without care
we were to marry i said out loud, no one heard me
we were to share our lives, have children, love them, teach them
love comes in every shape and size, and color, that love is not a gender, it is from the soul, simply love is love
they asked, next of kin?
she had no family, they abandoned her long ago
when they learned that she was not like them
her desires were deeper and that she longed to kiss and hold another woman
they could not understand they did not try, they told her to leave, to get out
she was aborhorant, an abomination, sinner beyond reproach
she was my love, my love, my tomorrow, my yesterday
she is gone, no you must be mistaken we have plans for dinner
they said the morgue? to take her, no not my samantha, she would hate it there
they said,coroner, arrangements, body what body? that is my love
they said, sign? why? what? where are you taking her?
they said to follow them, where?
why are they speaking and i do not understand?
how do i turn on the car? i do not remember? how can i see through liquid eyes?
i can't press the button, i can't move, i can't see, thick fog everywhere
they do not light the lights, or siren, they do not rush
the fog envelops me, i feel the sun, yet can not see
where have they gone, where is samantha?
i reach for my phone, hello daddy, they tell me samantha is dead
they took her away daddy, they are wrong it can not be my samantha
i don't know? i can't see, the fog is so thick, it is fog, dad it is, i can't move daddy
help me daddy, fix this make it go away, i don't like this game it hurts too much
the fog is so thick daddy please come and get me?
I am lost daddy, without samatha i am lost
nowhere makes sense daddy nothing, please come daddy i am so lost
the fog is so thick i can not see, i need you daddy, i need samantha, where is she?
daddy thank you, please hold me, make me feel again, make the fog go away
thank you officer he says to no one, the voice answers from the fog
i am sorry for your loss
amanda honey lay down in the back seat i will drive
thank you daddy, i love you daddy
i love you too my darling girl
where are we going daddy?
to find your samantha my darling girl
she is not dead daddy they made a mistake, she can't be dead
we have plans daddy, a wedding you will walk us together you said, a real family
please wake me from this nightmare daddy, i don't like it
where are we going, i am so lost, so lost
don't worry amanda daddy is here, i will take care of everything, you shut your eyes
no sam i don't want a puppy yet, wait until we are in the new house
better to keep him stable, than confuse him, no sam don't show me pictures
i don't want to fall in love with a puppy, no samantha don't
yes i love you, do not stop and bring home a puppy, don't do it, i am serious
last words, what nonsense why didn't i tell her to come right home?
why didn't i tell her how much she meant to me,
how will i live without her? she was my everything, my reason to get up everyday
to close my eyes each night
samantha i love you, hear me please, know how much
i am lost without you, what do i do now?
amanda, i heard my name, daddy is that you?
yes its me honey, and i have something for you, it seems it was in the jeep
in the backseat, and miraculously it is not even damaged
how that is possible is a miracle
amanda, he said open your eyes
daddy what is it?
open the box love
no it can't be, how did it survive the accident?
no one knows, but it's a little boy
here pick him up, and my dad handed me the little puppy
he is so tiny, and he is alright? really not hurt?
no he is fine, look at the little scamp, he must be so scared, i bet he is hungry
daddy i don't want him you take him, i can't have this now
you know i can't have a dog in the condo, you have to keep him samantha picked him out for you, he is yours amanda
daddy no i can't every second he will remind me of this, of now, i can't live daddy
maybe you have a reason to live now darlin, he needs you, and you need him
no but, listen to me amanda, if you put him down, he will have had no chance at life
it's not what samantha wanted, she wanted him for you, hold him and love him
daddy i can't i just can't
amanda it is a miracle that he survived the accident, he is a miracle, and he is yours
love him and nurture him and he will be a piece of samantha that you will love everyday, don't throw away a chance to give so much of the love that you have to share, you both need each other, look at that face, he is the cutest thing i have seen
how? daddy how?
honey when i lost your mother i thought my life was over, you gave me strength to go on and to keep from getting lost, you saved my life, and now i am telling you save his, god gave him to you, as if samantha was here to hand him right to you
he is your future my darling girl, she loved you as much as you loved her, now take that love and give this little guy a chance, he deserves it and so do you
i wiped my eyes and was able to see the fog had lifted
he crawled on me and fell asleep on my chest
see love, he knows you are his mother already
promise me that you will take care of him?
i will dad, i will, what do i have to do?
go home, get this guy some food and some toys and rest
tomorrow we will deal with everything, right now you need to rest
ok daddy, i am fine i can see now the fog has lifted, i will stop and get him some food, and things on the way home, come over later?
of course, we can sit and talk, amanda i love you
i love you too daddy
think of a name for the little guy, on the way home and you can tell me later ok?
he has a name already daddy
really what is it?
chance!
tony scarpa 8/15/2018
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