he stood in the doorway
gripping the frame unsure
the light illuminated him from behind
the room was shuttered and dark
filtered sunlight cast beams
that caught the floating dust
he had not entered that room in months
why today?
he knew the book he needed for his research was on the table
he gave it to him 8 months prior and it was in this room
he had stalled finishing his paper long enough
he stepped in
the old floorboards creaked as if to say stay out
he stopped in his tracks
tears welled up in his eyes
i can't he thought i just can't
he heart was pounding in his chest
so loudly it was as if the room beckoned
it's just there i can see it
if i can just gather the strength i can get it
what the hell is wrong with me?
its just a room
his room
its my house!
but it does not feel like home any longer
he fought the memories that came rushing into his mind
laughing times, clinging times, passionate times
now no more
nothing where there was so much
his strength waned and he cried out
god why?
why did you take him?
why am i left here alone?
how could you do this to me?
we had so much love
so much
love!
he could no longer contain his misery and he stumbled to the chair
his chair, his study, his room
he collapsed into the soft leather
clutching his head in his hands
and began to sob uncontrollably
tears fell to the dusty floorboards
his nose ran
it was most undignified
and he did not care
his wailing caught the attention of the dog
who stood at the doorway of the room
he did not understand why he was not allowed in the room
he used to spend hours with his master in this room
now it was closed and he would sit outside the door and whimper
to be let in but there was no one to open the door
today the door was open and his man was in the room
he went to the sobbing man
and stuck his furry head between his hands
he began to lick at the man's tears
the man clutched the dog tightly and allowed him to lick his face
he left you too he said to the ball of fur in his arms
god why?
how can i continue like this?
i am like an empty shell
my other half was ripped from me!
god you have left me alone
after so many years a good life a happy life
why have you taken him?
leaving me here alone
why didn't you take me too?
how could you just take him?
leaving us to go on without him
he placed the dog on the floor and leaned back in the chair
inhaling deeply the dust of a room sealed off and ignored
he coughed
the dog barked
and he lay his head on the edge of the chair his eyes clouded with tears
unable to focus
but he did not care
there was no meaning to his life any longer
months he walked as a living man dead inside
i will never finish that paper, i don't care it is worthless
his cracking came as a surprise even to him
at the funeral he could not cry
he was in shock, he walked numb, to everything
he went through the motions
speaking and eating but he did not experience anything
weeks of sleeping in the bed unable to wash the sheets for fear
of taking his smell away
he pressed his face into his pillow and breathed the scent of him
unable to cry
his friends worried about him
so stoic, so stalworth was he cold?
no tears
he packed up his belongings and gave them away
he kept a few sweaters and a jacket or two
he closed up the study and would walk past the door
ignoring it as if the room no longer existed
the dog would be asleep out in the hall with his nose pressed to the door
it meant nothing
yet today he fell apart his last tread was stripped and he crumbled
he could not stop the tears the sobbing the shaking
the questions
why?
god why?
everything in this room was his, he was engulfed with his lost love
the room needed him it held him
it broke him
and he lost it safely in the room
no one saw his collapse his weakness
that was fine that was the way he was raised
emotions are yours alone do not share any
do not expose yourself
today he did not care in the darkened dusty room
he mourned his love
after many months he accepted the loss
he denied the loss
today he grieved the loss
his books left where he placed them he saw through filtered tears
everything just as he left it
the day he went to the store to get the wine for dinner
they never knew it would be his last day
they never knew he would never return
so many things left unsaid
unshared
now locked away just like the room
closed and ignored
forgotten yet existing
the tears flowed continually
the sadness engulfs like a wet woolen blanket
he could do nothing to fight it
there was nothing he could do
months of backed up emotion needed to flow
like a volcano blown once erupted the flow would stop when it stopped
he did not care, he really did not care
what am i here for?
why do i exist?
i will never be real again
whole again
i will forever be empty and broken
the man i loved ripped from me in a second
gone without a goodbye
without a word
without an i love you
why did i fail to say those words?
why was it not something we said daily?
after so many years was it too common place to state
or was it over looked as what it was
and no more
it mattered not since he could never say them again
his chest heaved as he pulled in the dusty air of the room
his tears were slowly stopping and he held the dog tightly
he opened his eyes and began to see the room in the filtered light
it was a warm room, filled with his loves moments
he placed the dog on the floor
stood up and slowly walked to the window
he opened the shutter and allowed light to enter
the sun invaded the darkened room
illuminating his things
his books his typewriter his desk
the things they collected over the years in their travels
he went to the desk and sat in his chair
he placed his fingers on the keys of the ancient typewriter
he imagined they were his hands
he looked at the piece of paper still in the old machine
there were words typed on the page
chapter one page one
they walked the cobblestone street together holding hands in the warm
tuscan sun, the ancient walls of homes built before they were born. jake turned toward andy and and said i am so glad i let you talk me into this trip i am having the most astonishing time and i wanted to tell you that i love you
i know we don't say it enough but during this romantic trip i just had to let you know, jake pressed his lips to andy and confirmed the love that they shared. little did they know that within a few short hours everything they knew and understood would change forever.
the words stopped
he scanned the yellow legal pad for more notes
jake and andy italy romantic trip
tuscany- attack/ robbery- murder- betrayal- loss- anguish- pain- devastation-
how will jake survive? loss of andy
italian police inept, robbery? attack?
jake must find the killer-
jake distraught, suffering
danger - foreign
ask tom for journal of the trip to italy for note ideas-
the notes ended with him asking for the journal he was writing about us?
he never told me it was a love story?
he scanned the desk for more notes and began to read what was written
after a few hours he had the novel in his head
he understood the direction he was taking it
i can not believe i did not come into this room he thought
it's been here all along he told me the words we did not share that night
he knew i loved him
and i know he loved me
they were written here and locked away
in a room i could not enter
always here, so close
so close
he went to the table and picked up the book he came for
i have a paper to finish
and when i am done i have a novel to write
he and the dog exited the room
this time he did not close the door.
tony scarpa 1/17/2019
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